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[23 Oct 2006|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Candypants - Dishy |
] |
Ugh, who keeps letting Candypants into the recording studio? I thought there was an agreement about that.
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| 2/2 The Long Ride Home |
[03 Sep 2006|04:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Madonna - Human Nature |
] |
July 17 - Chugwater:
It was a fucking chili festival. What do you expect.
July 21 - Cheyenne:
We started walking back to Cheyenne to catch our freight home. When we made it to the freight yard, we hopped onto our car and headed home. I think this might be the last family trip in a long time, they did not conduct themselves in a manner befitting a chili festival.
July 22 - ?:
Somewhere on our way of Cheyenne, the train came to a slow stop and remained stopped. I didn't hear anything on it for the rest of the day. The kids said they couldn't tell what was going on either.
July 23? - ?:
Still no word on why we stopped. The kids didn't seem terribly concerned, but the other passengers and I pounded on the walls of the boxcar trying to get someone to hear us. No one did.
July - ?:
I'm not sure how long I slept, but it was dark when I woke up. A hole was punched in the top of the boxcar, but the kids declined to further destroy the car. I guess they suddenly grew a sense of respect for public property.
July - ?:
We all exchanged names today. I thought there were more people, but it was just me, Jesus, Cerrito, and a guy who would only call himself Pig Butler. I think they designated the front left hand corner as the shitter, because it's wet and it stinks. I don't know much Spanish, but Jesus and Cerrito entertained themselves. Pig Butler has been riding the rails for about 25 years, and he told me that we should be out of here pretty soon. The longest he has ever been locked in a boxcar was a week and a half. He survived by drinking his own piss. They actually passed a law based on him, called Pig Butler's Law. Every 4 days, someone is supposed to go to each boxcar and check to see if there are any people trapped inside.
July - ?:
No one came by to check for people, so I guess it hasn't been 4 days. Pig Butler didn't seem worried, at any rate. I shared the chili I brought with me, and while it was light out, Pig Butler showed me the hobo symbols for "jail" and "free telephone."
July - ?:
Cerrito has disappeared while I was asleep. There was blood EVERYWHERE. I asked the kids what the hell happened, if they saw or heard anything during the night, but they said they didn't know. There was a lot of blood around the hole in the top of the boxcar, too. I am pretty sure Jesus saw what happened. He wouldn't make eye contact with anyone, he just huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth.
July - ?:
Jesus spoke today. He paused his rocking long enough to stare directly at me, completely freaking me out, to say, "El monstruo de quatro cuellos." for about a minute straight. He started shaking, and then he passed out. Like I said, I don't know Spanish. But I do watch Sesame Street stoned a lot, so I know how to count in Spanish. I am starting to suspect the kids are involved.
July?:
Pig Butler disappeared. The kids refused to tell me where he went. I am 100% certain that they did something to Pig Butler and Cerrito. I don't know if they forced them through the hole in top, I don't know if they dismembered them, I just. I don't know.
July?:
The chili ran out, and even Jesus stopped rocking and crying long enough to point at his mouth (international sign for either "hungry" or "blowjob" and I am pretty sure he wasn't asking if he could blow me) and cock an eyebrow up. I just shrugged. The kids remain unconcerned. They've resisted all attempts to access the GPS system, the date, the time, everything. They are having a fabulous time.
July?:
The kids fed me something wet and chewy and warm, it was warm and the wetness left sticky streaks all over me and I can't find Jesus, I ate Jesus. I consumed the body of the lord.
July?:
I Consumed the LordJesusChrist hail mary full of grace the LORD is with THEE. blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit oh god and orange would be nice of thy womb jesus i ate him holy mary i ate him mary forgive me mother of GOD LORD pray for us sinners now and at the hour of JESUS DIED SO I COULD LIVE amen.
July?:
The kids had been talking to me all day, they even pushed me up so I could look out the hole in the roof of the boxcar. The sky is so blue. The sky was all I saw, though. They convinced me that it was okay for me to eat the meat they gave me. They told me to keep thinking of it as meat. They said in some cultures that the consumption of others is a religious rite of passage or something, I think they might be regurgitating shit they saw on the Discovery Channel. But whatever. I need anything I can get.
July?:
I've been hallucinating the smell of fast food. I'll wake up and think I smell a McNugget, or I'll lick my finger and think I tasted a milkshake.
Summer?:
It's getting worse. I keep imagining McDonald's wrappers on the walls of the boxcar, or I'll think I'm seeing Larry playing with a matchbox car, or breaking a miniature Barbie doll to make Mo cry. The smells are stronger, I can actually identify menu items from the smells I am imagining. It's getting dangerous to drink my own urine, but Jesus' blood that the kids saved in vials and kept in their compartments is not much better. I'll have to drink it eventually though; my urine is super concentrated.
Summer?:
I hallucinate that I'm eating tons and tons of burgers, and that I'm rolling on piles of delicious fries like Scrooge McDuck in a pile of money. He would crush his skull if he dove into all those coins. No lie. Whenever I'm awake I hallucinate that the kids are bringing me Happy Meals like I am a king and they my servants. Whenever I sleep, I dream of eating.
Summer?:
Whenever I got picked on for being fat as a kid my mom would comfort me by telling me I just like a little camel. They don't store water in their humps, they store fat. She said at least I'd never be hungry. In a way she's right. I don't even feel hunger anymore, though I don't seem to be losing any weight. In fact, I think I'm getting bigger. When I was trying to be anorexic in college, I read something about how when people starve themselves, the body actually retains everything it can, so maybe this is it? My body holding onto everything it can? I am mother's little camel.
Summer?:
There's this old trick where you cut the butter that the Land O' Lakes girl is holding and you fold the box so her knees are showing through the window you cut out, I don't have it here but I can remember, I remember all the times I'd steal the butter box from the refrigerator and mother would say Now Otto are you working on another science project and I'd say Yes ma'am I need the boxes and really, we all knew what I was up to but it's polite when you pretend not to know things you shouldn't know, not that Rosie'd ever have that kind of politeness. She said politeness is for the first date and not for married couples so whenever she found the boxes she'd lift her skirt and say WHAT THE HELL OTTO YOU HAVE THIS and I'd say SOMETIMES A MAN JUST WANTS HIS BUTTERY TITS and she'd laugh and we'd make love and she'd say CALL ME YOUR SQUAW and I'd say that the Indians don't like it when you call them that and she'd say shut up you're ruining it and I'd shut up but then I'd whisper squaw and she'd laugh and the way her whole body got tight when she laughed, right under my hands, it was like feeling a hammer covered in warm skin. She was very fit. She was not like a camel, Rosie was like a chimp, all small but strong and powerful, you wouldn't know it by looking at her. When we finished we'd go to sleep and I'd remember the butter girl. The butter girl and the headless asses. The news can't show a fat person and go HEY SHE'S FAT so they do that sneaky little thing where you don't film a fat person's face just the waist down. I always watched for myself in there, always a roving pack of fat asses walking down a busy street so I imagine they'd have to film the asses in a big city like mine. The way they sway under their own weight was hypnotic and if I knew there was a thing on the news about obesity I'd tape it or at least pay extra special attention when it was on, though I don't think Rosie caught on, she just thought I was taking an interest in my weight problem. I took an interest.
Summer?:
The camel survives for an unknown length of time.
Summer?:
The camel does not give in not ever.
Summer?:
Camcamcamcamcamcam
Summer?:
MMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Summer?:
Tell me tell me how does an empty well give water?
Summer?:
How does a starving man vomit?
Summer?:
How does a starving man vomit McNuggets? YOU GUYS!
Summer?:
Men came today, when he opened the door a flood of light entered that was so bright I couldn't see for a while. I heard cows. They set up the ramp to get the cows on before they realized I was there, and then they all came and saw what was in the boxcar. It was full of blood and human waste and tons of McDonald's wrappers. The kids were either so excited to see someone new or they were infuriated that people had come to ruin the experiment they were conducting on me that they began to flail wildly around the car, smashing the walls and ripping down the roof with their manazing strength. When they were done, I was bathed in pure light and I smelled fresh air for the first time in... a long time.
Summer?:
It is small, it is pink, it has a basket and a bell. It has purple tassels. It is my new bike. The kids visited McDonald's so much that they acquired jobs (except for Mo, she is too young) and earned a wage. After stuffing me with salty McDonald's food for months, I had gained quite a bit of weight. At any rate, they insisted that I work off my weight by riding us home. Mo wants to ride in the basket.
Summer?:
We threw the bike through the window at Toys 'R' Us and stole a Power Wheels.
Summer?:
After three weeks and an incredible amount of stolen batteries, the Barbie Dreamcar shuddered to a halt just outside the city limits. The kids got some exercise by dragging us back to our pier.
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| 1/2: Long time, no see... |
[27 Aug 2006|12:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Nelly Furtado: Man Eater |
] |
...sunlight.
The kids and I decided to take a family vacation to Chugwater, Wyoming to take in the much-discussed 20th Annual Chugwater Chili Cook-Off. Now, Rosie and I had been going for the past 15 years, we weren't there from the start but we were certainly there to support the growth and we even had a brick with our names engraved on it put into the now-legendary Country Girls Embroidery building.
Anyway, I'd been putting off the trip, you know, in her memory, even though I kept getting letters at the old vacation cabin from Kitty West about going to the big 20th celebration. They don't get a lot of East coast news there, I guess. After a lot of thought, I decided to plan out our train route. We had to stick to freight cars and the like, but it wasn't so bad. In fact, "back in the day" Rosie and I did a great deal of hitchhiking, and hopping boxcars is a lot like hitchhiking, but like if the diver didn't know you were in his car. Plenty of company, at least. The kind without cell phones, or a sense of current events, or even a very firm command of the English language.
June 17 - New York City:
We started out in the city, and we had to wait until dark before I felt it was safe enough to get into a car without being spotted. However, we encountered Pier 54 guy, and were skeeved out enough that we waited another day to try again. To our surprise, he was still in the only westward bound car. We huddled in one corner, he in his, and we were treated to a non-stop medley of ABBA and Carly Simon tunes.
June 18 - Detroit:
In Detroit, we said goodbye to Pier 54 guy and had a quick walk around the windy city, finding souvenirs everywhere we looked. We often looked behind window displays.
June 21 - Chicago:
The kids felt that our arrival in Chicago was a perfect time to remind me that Detroit is not known as "the windy city." At the freight yard in Chicago, we saw our first hobo. Normally, I am considered an unstoppable force and invulnerable to all but the strongest opponents, but the kids took a liking to the hobo, who then decided to rob me. The kids found this funny, and chose not to stop him. The kids also lost their share of the souvenir money, so I'm sure they learned their lesson. Coincidentally, his name was Robert.
June 23 - St. Louis:
Once we hit St. Louis, I pointed out the Arch to the kids. I spoke in great detail about the architectural masterpiece that it was, and then they fucked everything up. They just fucked everything up. Everything. Fucked.
June 28 - Amarillo:
I was in quite a mood after St. Louis, so I slept through Amarillo. I only woke up to switch cars after the kids wanted to play bungee jumper off the top of the boxcar.
June 30 - Denver:
We had slept through or otherwise missed some of our planned stops by the time we reached Denver, though I still wanted to fit skiing in. But then again, I want a lot of things. I want to go skiing, I want to breathe the mountain air, I want to be able to retreat to the fire place with Rosie under a blanket as we sip coffee and talk about our futures. I want to be able to buy things in a store or scratch myself where the belt covers my skin, or sleep on my back even. I want to wake up without finding bits of plastic in my mouth.
July 4 - Toronto:
We were far off course when we arrived in Toronto. However, this was vacation, and I was determined to have fun no matter what. Canada is a liberal country with reasonable marijuana laws, so I attempted to buy some. I approached every black man and college student I saw, but no dice. Did you know they don't celebrate the 4th in Canada?
July 7 - Sacramento:
They still would not sell me pot in Sacramento.
July 9 - Cheyenne:
Cheyenne was about as close as we'd ever get to Chugwater, so I said "FUCK IT WE'RE HOOFING IT." It builds character, to tell the truth, and we had enough time to make it by foot. If there's one thing kids don't appreciate anymore is the satisfaction in accomplishing your goals, no matter how gruelling the circumstances are.
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[15 Dec 2005|12:33pm] |
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What'd I miss?
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| Database Whenevs |
[05 Jun 2005|04:47pm] |
Today is Database Sunday. Post a keyword in the comments and the kids will post the entry for that keyword in their database for all the world/LiveJournal to see.
OR whatever.
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[31 May 2005|11:07am] |
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Me and Rosie had names picked out for a future son and a future daughter. Any guesses?
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| A/C |
[29 May 2005|01:38am] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
] |
The air conditioner is leaking. Did any of you try fucking it again while I was asleep?
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[02 Mar 2005|12:16pm] |
My nails are getting too dangerous and my beard is annoying. When is winter over, dammit.
The couch smells like sour milk.
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[20 Jan 2005|08:23am] |
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mood |
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fucking frozen |
] |
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music |
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COLD, BITING WINDS |
] |
merry christmas/happy new year and those sort of things.
it's fucking freezing. metal conducts heat and cold--
NOT SO GENIUS NOW, ARE WE OTTO. HMM?
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| The Ballad of John and Yoko |
[02 Jan 2005|12:46am] |
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mood |
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music |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Beatles - The Ballad of John and Yoko |
] |
Hell yes, Ballad of John and Yoko.
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| AIDS |
[01 Dec 2004|08:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
It's World AIDS Day. Do your part. Don't get AIDS.
Insist he keep his tentacle wrapped, and I will all 5 of mine.
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| guh. |
[12 Nov 2004|03:45pm] |
The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.
Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you.
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| Hm. |
[03 Nov 2004|08:43pm] |
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Oh, you guys! What the hell have I repeatedly told you about linking and communicating with strange machines?!
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[29 Oct 2004|08:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enraged |
] |
I am furious with NetNanny brand parental control software, jlist.com, and the makers of Hello Kitty.
Though my throat has been healing, my pride never will.
You four? Are grounded. Until I say you're not. Which I can't say, as I'm coughing blood still.
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| Database Friday #3 |
[08 Oct 2004|12:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 irritated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Beatles - Lady Madonna |
] |
It's Friday again, but this time there's a rule: 10 can be answered this time. Why?
Because they said so. And I'm not arguing with the horrible shine-monsters that can crush my bones and drag my broken body into demeaning and shameful places and positions.
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| Pie Time |
[06 Oct 2004|09:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
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music |
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Five for Fighting - 100 Years |
] |
So last night we baked a pecan pie. We took pictures to remember it, which is silly; it was an unforgettable experience. There's 16 pictures, 200x150, and one of them has some cocks and tits in it. So, not very work safe.
( I don't even like pecans. )</center>
That was our pie adventure. It's an extremely sweet pie, except for the random pennies someone threw in there when I wasn't paying attention. I'm looking at you, Flo.
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| uhh |
[05 Oct 2004|07:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pie |
] |
uhhhhh hey
so hypothetically speaking, should pecan pie be like a bowl of really hot pecan soup after 50 minutes in the oven? does it- does it HARDEN after i take it out? the knife came out with syrupy shit all over it.
hypothetically speaking. shit. this is why i don't hypothetically bake, i can hypothetically make 4 goddamn metal tentacles, one i don't even remember making but i can't hypothetically bake a goddamn pie.
Edit: Expect pictures late tomorrow evening. Much love to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) skylanth.
HYPOTHESIS. It smells like gas in here.
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| Vote 2004 |
[04 Oct 2004|09:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 curious |
] |
Are you registered?
Who are you voting for?
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go |
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